Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
