I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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