I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
