remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
