someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
