My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
