There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
