12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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