If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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