Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
