He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just high enough for therapy.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
