My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
