when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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