Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just want to make out with him forever
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
