...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
