Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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