I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
