Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
