those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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