I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
