I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
