I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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