I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
