she woke up with a sticky ear
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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