So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
