I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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