I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
