nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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