I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Randomize
