Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
