is wine microwaveable?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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