So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
