Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize