the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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