Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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