Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
