Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
