how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
