I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize