There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
