Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
