I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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