This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
