how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Randomize
