Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
