She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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