I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
