Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
