THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
