life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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