I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.