Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.