i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.