So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
