I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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