if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
