yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
