Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
