If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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