call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Randomize