i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
