He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
